16 November 2011

Downward Spiral

Has anyone else ever noticed that when you start to make mistakes, then things seem to just pile one upon the other till you have a whole heap of failure in front of you? That's how I feel about my life all the time. I try really hard to do the right things, and do them well, but so often, I feel as if I'm the most horrible, useless, irresponsible person on the planet.

I try so hard. I can do the basics. I keep my child fed and clothes, and we have a roof over our head and our living space is generally safe and warm. My cats are well-fed and healthy. We're all pretty well-adjusted. I haven't committed any crimes; I even drive the speed limit. I'm a productive member of society. I work full-time, and my supervisor and coworkers have had few complaints about what I do. I vote regularly. I support my church and my local public library.

Why can't that be enough?

But no, our society doesn't work that way. As evidenced by my to-do posts below, I always have so much to do, to stuff into those all-too-few moments in between working, commuting, mothering, cooking, cleaning... There are phone calls to make, papers to organize and file, best-sellers to be written. I have to provide snacks for the daycare or another activity. I'm the sole provider for my family, and I'm also the parent, the homeowner, the CEO and general manager of the household. And God help us if I don't serve 100% organic, locally sourced food, and if I don't exercise daily in order to keep myself looking like a bikini model. It's overwhelming. If I let one thing slip, everything else starts to go as well. How does anyone actually managing to hold a modern life together without spinning like a whirling dervish and then imploding from the craziness?

It's days like this that I want to crawl back into bed, pull the covers over my head, and wish the entire outside world far far away.


Graf Spee said...

We don't. We just put a really pretty, shiny gloss on our modern lives and show it off to those around us. Didn't you learn to do that at Biola? It's all about presenting the best-looking coat of whitewash on our tomb and hoping no one looks inside.

Debbie said...

Because our current culture/society is not based on the Word, we must not use it as our standard, or allow it to dictate who we are or what we do. The thing is not to pretend to have it all together, the thing is to look to God, the author and finisher of our faith. In Him we have the love, grace and strength we need to do and be what He has made us to be.
God uses these times when we feel like failures to illuminate our need for Him and our amazing inability to be sufficient without Him.
Random thoughts I am catching from Psalms right now, We can rest in Him like a weaned child rests on his mother's breast. What a great picture of letting go of the striving!
With Him is abundant redemption. Abundant! More than we need.
Thou has enclosed me behind and before and laid Thy hand on me.

And a song I came across yesterday.

Barrows, p. 21


Love divine, all loves excelling,
Joy of heaven to earth come down;
Fix in us thy humble dwelling;
All thy faithful mercies crown!
Jesus, Thou art all compassion,
Pure unbounded love Thou art;
Visit us with Thy salvation;
Enter every trembling heart.

Breathe, O breathe Thy loving Spirit,
Into every troubled breast!
Let us all in Thee inherit;
Let us find that second rest.
Take away our bent to sinning;
Alpha and Omega be;
End of faith, as its Beginning,
Set our hearts at liberty.

Come, Almighty to deliver,
Let us all Thy life receive;
Suddenly return and never,
Never more Thy temples leave.
Thee we would be always blessing,
Serve Thee as Thy hosts above,
Pray and praise Thee without ceasing,
Glory in Thy perfect love.

Finish, then, Thy new creation;
Pure and spotless let us be.
Let us see Thy great salvation
Perfectly restored in Thee;
Changed from glory into glory,
Till in heaven we take our place,
Till we cast our crowns before Thee,
Lost in wonder, love, and praise.

Jessica Snell said...

Deb, you continually impress me. You're bright and winsome and hardworking and you just keep going. The "just keep going" part means that you're courageous too, because I'm more and more convinced that the greater part of courage is perseverance. May God continue to grant it to you - and may He give you heaping helpings of peace and rest when you need them too.

Kiti said...

Jessica - That's one of the nicest things anyone has ever said to me. Thank you! Sometimes we just keep going because we don't have a choice, and we learn that we CAN do what God has given us to do, after all.